


To Break or Not To Break

by fatherlords



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Logan, Gen, Logan Angst, Platonic LAMP - Freeform, aroace logan, aromantic logan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22093390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatherlords/pseuds/fatherlords
Summary: Logan is broken.Is he?I do not give permission for my work to appear on any apps nor do I consent to my work being reposted anywhere. If you see my work outside of my tumblr or outside of any blogs/accounts I mention in my fics, please report/contact them or inform me. If you report them, do not report as if it were your own work.My tumblr is @nicohasahappymealAlso posted to @virgil-is-an-emo-legend (tumblr)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 128





	To Break or Not To Break

**Author's Note:**

> For my sanders sides content, look for virgil-is-an-emo-legend on tumblr

Logan tried to push aside his emotions. They weren't logical. They couldn't be real. He couldn't be feeling, because it wasn't logical to feel. He couldn't be upset.

Broken.

No. Logical. Not broken. His logic was faultless.

Robot.

A machine. A perfectly functioning, well-oiled machine. Not broken. Logan could never be broken.

Then why was he sitting here at his desk, hands balled into fists, a dull ache in his chest threatening to explode in a fit of tears? Was he really broken because he didn't feel the same as they did? Was it so bad to not experience attraction? Was he broken for not being capable of feeling that electric pull to people who were conventionally attractive? Was he really broken for being unable to feel the gentle affection of romance? Was there any other word other than broken?

No.

Logan refused to let that word get to him. Broken. He wasn't broken. He was logical. And emotions weren't logical. It was illogical to be upset over being called broken, because it was a falsehood. 

Was it?

Logan tried to tell himself that he didn't believe he was broken. No. Falsehood. He believed it. He was broken. He was born broken. He couldn't be fixed. He was a faulty machine, faulty functioning, faulty logic. He was failing.

To break or not to break?

He was crying.

He observed that tears felt hotter than he expected. He hadn't quite expected the lump in his throat to be anything other than a metaphorical barrier to speech, yet here it was. He felt like he couldn't breathe properly. Perhaps it was fitting to describe tears as choking. His chest felt tight and dull and empty. 

If not having feelings made him broken, but crying meant you were broken, then was this a paradox? He was fixed in the sense he was feeling, but broken in the sense that he was crying. 

Broken.

Logan was broken.

Would he feel things now? Would he feel an electric pull? A romantic pull? Would he be a human, and not a robot? Was he fixed?

If he was fixed, then why did he feel so broken? 

He tried to force away the sadness with a straight face, but it didn't work. Schooling his features finally failed him, wouldn't allow him to halt the tears. 

Had he always felt? Had he buried it so deep inside that he'd forgotten he could feel? Was it illogical to suppress his feelings? 

Broken.

That's how Logan felt, now he was finally feeling, finally fixed. He always felt broken. 

It was time to rejoin the others, but the decision he had to make next weighed heavy on his heart. Was it truly logical to conceal the fact that he had experienced crying? Or was it logical to seek help? The illogical part of him told him to conceal it. He hadn't realised how much he'd been listening to the illogical side of himself. He chastised himself over his broken logic, and decided to do the logical- albeit terrifying- thing: open up.

When he rejoined the others, they all looked up to him. Logan couldn't read their expressions. He believed it may be compassion, but emotions weren't his strong point. People weren't his strong point. "I believe I have experienced being sad," Logan announced. Patton immediately stood and opened his arms for a hug, before pausing and lowering his arms. Logan was grateful that Patton had remembered that he was touch averse. 

"But this doesn't make sense," Virgil pointed out, "you don't feel." 

Objectively, Logan knew that Virgil was merely pointing out the truth- or at least, what had been the truth until today. Emotionally, Logan felt wounded.

Broken.

"Who made you sad? I shall duel them to the death!"

"Thank you, Princey," Logan replied, "but that's not necessary. I appear to have come to the realisation that allowing oneself to feel is logical and to suppress emotions is counter-intuitive. However, the consequences of reaching that conclusion have been the onset of some emotions."

"That's not a bad thing, Logan," Patton said gently, "it's okay to be sad sometimes."

"The problem is, I still appear to be broken. I appear incapable of feeling the full range of human emotions. Namely, sexual and romantic attraction."

"You're not broken," everybody said at once, and Logan frowned. 

"You're not broken," Patton repeated gently, "you're asexual and aromantic." 

Oh.

Logan had heard those words before. Of course he had. He knew every word. But for some reason, he'd never realised that they could be applicable to him. He was so adamant that he was broken that he hadn't entertained the notion that he wasn't broken, that there were words, labels, that described his experience. 

Not broken? 

Logan felt tears brimming, and a strange urge to hug. As he hugged Patton, soon being joined by Roman and Virgil, a warm sense of acceptance washed over him. He wasn't broken. He was never broken. He felt tears brimming in his eyes once more, like he was grieving for the years lost to believing he was broken, and once more had to make the decision: to break, or not to break. He chose to break, because it was okay to break, and he wasn't broken for breaking down.


End file.
